Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
