Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
