matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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