You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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