Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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