I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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