I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
