How'd it feel making her break her religion?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
