The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So much rum. So many feels.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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