also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just had sex bonerless
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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