I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
