What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
