We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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