just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
