fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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