My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
