so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
