tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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