After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
