my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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