I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
