I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
