So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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