oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
