True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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