what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
