you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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