He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
