That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
