I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
