Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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