I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
