I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
