Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
