I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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