the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
