I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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