So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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