I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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