I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
