I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
