Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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