dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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