like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
