my soul wont recognize me after tonight
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
