I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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