even my farts smell like vagina
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My dick has a subreddit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
