I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
