I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
