I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
