Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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